Jokes

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

The woman turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Sexual Convention in Chicago."

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it's men of Jewish decent."

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto" the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."

First-grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand pit."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked bicky."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand pit."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'pit' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked bicky."

Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a bicky too."


 * How the Internet started**

A revelation with an incredibly big message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had often been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham’s business. But he was discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

And that is how it all began. Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!


 * EMOONING!!**

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:


 * ) means a smile and


 * ( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by





Well, how about some 'ARSICONS?' Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) an arsehole

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse

> **You can't beat the Indians !!** > > A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead > mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of their daughters. > The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no > space to spare. When they opened the lid, they found a letter on > top addressed to her brothers and sisters: > > > Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha: > I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her last wish that she > be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Gujarat. > Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. > You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of > cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. > Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a > new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 > pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are > correct. > Ba is wearing 6 American T-shirts. The large size is for Mohan. > Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that > Ba's is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted > is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, > earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. > The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among > my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly. > Love, > Smita Patel > P.S.: If you need anything else please let me know soon, Bapuji is > also not feeling too well nowadays.


 * IRISH JOB INTERVIEW**

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.'

You put down,

'Neither do I'."

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of University of Minnesota Duluth.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 an! d the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'


 * Mother of all Jihadist Jokes**

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

Yes, I remember him as a baby says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

Oh, I remember him, says the other happily, he had such curly hair when he was born.

He's a martyr too says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me. . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, I remember when he first started school

He's a martyr also, says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says. ..

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Complaints from housing tenants.

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

A Spot of British Humor

As reported in the newpaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

_____

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

_____

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

_____

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

____

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their

passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." ____

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." _____

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...." _____

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

_____

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

A college class was told they had to write a short story in a few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things: 1. Religion 2. Sexuality 3. Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class. "Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is obviously disappointed. -- Albert Einstein

The teacher introduces a new pupil, Suzuki from Japan. A history lesson begins and the teacher decides to quiz the kids:

Who said »Give me liberty or give me death« Silence befalls the classroom. Suzuki raises his hand: »Patrick Henry in 1775 in Philadelphia! Teacher: Very good, Suzuki

Now, who said »Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth«? Suzuki stands up solemnly: Abraham Lincoln, 1863, Washington The teacher scorns the rest of the classroom: You should be ashamed of yourselves. A Japanese kid knows more Amercan history than you do!

A quiet vioce from the back of the classroom: »Fuck off, you Jap sons of bitches« Teacher yells: WHO SAID THAT?!?! Suzuki raises his hand: General Douglas McArthur, 1942 just before the battle of Guadacanal and Lee Iacocca in 1982 during Chrysler’s shareholder meeting in Detroit.

The class falls silent, but a single voice that whispers: »Blow me!« Suzuki: Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997 in Oval Office, Washington

Another kid yells: »Suzuki is a piece of shit!« Suzuki: Valentino Rossi, 2002, during a MotoGP Rio de Janeiro Grand Prix

All the other kids freak out and start a rampage, the teacher blacks out and then the headmaster enters the classroom: »WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING AROUND HERE?« Suzuki: Prime Minister of Slovenia Janez Janša, Ambrus, November 2006